In the annals of criminal genius, there’s a special category reserved for individuals who manage to compound their initial poor judgment with decisions so spectacularly misguided that they deserve academic study. This week, Scottsdale provided us with a textbook example of how to transform simple vehicle theft into a master class in escalating stupidity.
Lyle Dennis Harmon Jr. was arrested last week after he allegedly crashed a stolen Humvee into a parked Scottsdale police vehicle, injuring the officer inside. Let’s pause to appreciate the layers of brilliance required to achieve this feat. First, steal a vehicle…but not just any vehicle. No, our protagonist selected a Hummer, because apparently subtlety is overrated when you’re already committed to a life of crime.
But why stop at simple theft? Our criminal mastermind decided to take his stolen military-style vehicle and use it as a battering ram against a parked police cruiser. The arrest report clarified it was a Hummer, which somehow makes the whole scenario even more absurd. It’s like choosing the most conspicuous possible weapon for the most conspicuous possible target.
Does this sound familiar? Well it should, because none other than your favorite Scottsdale-centric blog (it’s us…the Arizona Progress & Gazette) reported on drunk-driving Jensen Borkowski plowing into a police car in Old Town only a few weeks ago.
Twice in a few weeks? To that I say, what the hell is going on, Scottsdale? We all know that we like to throw a good party, but has the collective IQ of our population collapsed? What are we even doing?!?
The physics alone deserve recognition. Ramming a police vehicle while driving a stolen Hummer is essentially the automotive equivalent of robbing a bank while wearing a neon sign that says “ARREST ME.” The only way this plan could have been more obviously doomed is if he’d added fireworks and a marching band.
Unfortunately, this particular episode of vehicular theater had real consequences; an officer was injured in the collision. Because apparently turning grand theft auto into demolition derby wasn’t quite enough chaos for one criminal enterprise.
C’mon Scottsdale…time to get our stuff together.